4 months later

Yep.. I m back after 4 months!! But where did the time go? I am soo scared by how the time flies soo quickly... and I m scared to face tomorrow, especially every day, I feel like I m getting older. I feel like I havent done or achieved anything in my life. My quest to get a job last year was a total failure. I was so down, I dont even give a damn try anymore. The process of interviewing was really demoralizing. My emotion was literally on the rollercoaster, one minute I was so hopeful, then days passed by without any follow-up, and my hope was dashed, shattered. I was soo mentally and emotionally drained. I have come to the point, that it is such a useless effort. That's why I completely stopped the whole process. But I still have to show up to the office. To face the fucking colleagues that I hate so much. The environment is soooo low, that I literally drag my feet every time I go to work. I m only happy when Friday comes, but when sunday night begin to fall, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper..

I have so many plans in my head.. It looks great in my head, but when I really go through with it, i encounter so many hurdles. It is not as easy as I thought it would be... But I havent given up yet. I know I can do it. I havent give my all... Well, at least I will try my best... I know if it does not work out, I will be in down mode again.... so that's my life cycle.... I guess...

Yeah my friends have all moved on.. I m left behind.. But it seems like all my friends forget about me.. oh let me correct myself. They dont forget me when they need to dump their fucking emotion garbage... !!!! I hate when they do that!!! They really forget that I m human too. Yeah now I come to the term that no matter which friends you have, either a good friend, not so good friend, all of them are selfish!!!!!!!
I have reached my anger limit.. !! Yes, I do ignore them.. ignore their ranting emails, ignore their bragging about the daily fucking family life they have.. ignore. ignore.. ignoree.. go bring all your fucking bragging for yourself. You dont have to shove them right in front of me.. I m sick of hearing that!!
Well, I havent scolded them right in front of their face!! I m still trying to be polite. I hope me being ignore and responsive on their emails, messages, give them a subtle hint. If not, I m going to roaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr. and tell them to FUCK OFFFF...!!!

another post...

yepz it has been more than 1 month since my last post.. well at first, i thought i can post my blog using iphone. but the stupid phone is unable to write anything except for the title.. grrrr...

anyway, it has been a very busy week last week. but it was an achievement for me. yep i FINALLY fulfilled my wish to perform on stage..!!! GOD is great, GOD is so generous... ! I have desire to perform in such a long time. That time when I joined the dance class in my company, I regretted I did not join earlier, otherwise I could join them to perform in my company's previous year d&d. And I keep my wish in my heart, hoping that I was given a chance. And BAM!! this year i was asked to join. well at first, there was no news at all, coz there were not enough people interested in participating. I thought, well it was not meant to be. It was 2 weeks before the performance day and I havent heard any news, so I thought it was cancelled due to lack of participants. But then, come the good news. How happy I was...!!!

During the rehearsal on the venue, it was a very different feeling. I was okay during rehearsal, but on the actual day, there was another dry run, and I was sooo nervous.. I kept doing the wrong steps. ARGGHH..! Hours leading to our performance, I really could not take it. The stress level was soo high. It did cross my mind that I regretted joining this performance. It did not help also that I kept doing the wrong steps. Plus the makeup artist put on an ugly makeup on me and the hair as well. Those are the things that can make girls look pretty and happy, yet she messed me up!! I was too stressed also to be bothered with all of these, even though I brought my makeup i was so stressed to touch up my makeup. anwyay, i think all those werent matter, as doing the dance moves right was more important.

Minutes to our turn to perform, i really can not take the stress!! I guess i was the one who was soo stressed the whole time. The grand entrance should be excited, but I could not wave at all. I was soo stressed. When I was on stage, stood on the side waiting for my turn to show up, my body was cold, my heart beat faster than normal. With God's blessing, I managed to do my steps right. I really could not content my happiness when I did all right on my first segment, I was facing towards the judges so I had to make sure I did it correctly. Ohhhh.. I felt that I could smile when I did the "love" sign... Ohhhh..
I was super super relieved when the performance was over.. !!! I was soo happpyyy.. I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.. !! I achieved it. To top it all, we won 2nd prize!!!!! How great was that!!!!

after the performance, I could dance and shout my heart out!!! I was soooo relieved and happpyy. I could not express how happy I was... the moment is still lingering until now...

This chapter taught me, that GOD will grant my wishes, if I ask Him and I work hard towards them. My faith become stronger. I will never doubt God's power in answering our prayer. I hope I feel more confident in what I want to do next. With God's grace and guidance and blessing, I m sure I will achieve it. THANK YOU GOD..!

My 1st post frm iPhone!!! Yay!! Silliest thng everrr.... I can only type in the title but not in e sheet!!!

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monday.. sigh

yeah i always feel like garfield when it comes to monday.. but surprisingly i managed to go through it every time ..haha. well the day passed by pretty fast today, as i was attending the courses for almost the whole day. did not realize that it was time to leave..

reached home, but had to endure the bickering between landlady and her husband. i felt like yelling at them to shut up!!! it was very annoying especially when you have "guest" at home!! they should respect that people need some quiet time after coming back from hectic office. but noooooo. keeep yeellingg bickerrringg.. i guess becoz the landlady is such a naggy person. she naggggggggsss until i could not take it sometime. she likes to repeat things over and over and over and over againnn. i was like OMGGGG!!! SSHUT UP!!!!!. i learn to ignore her completely when she starts to nag or say things over & over ...over.. if she asked me to do things, i would just say no one time, and if she keeps on lingering, i just ignore her, pretending that i did not hear on what she said. i guess it worked.. i have been staying with her for 5yrs, but i still could not stand her nagginess and busybodiness..!! OMGGGG.. but in general, she is a nice lady.. hahaa so what am i talking about? i guess some people just have an annoying trait in them but in general can be considered as good person. haha i dont know. .i like to say conflicting things..

so how was office today? i guess i pushed myself to mingle with people.. although it was not completely perfect, at least i tried to do small talk. hopefully if this goes well, i could open up myself more and build up the connection.. it's a daunting task but i will try my best.

hey.. i got phone calls from agency... yay!! eventhough i havent really spoken with the person, i was quite happy to get the call. sometime the agency was a wasted efforts.. or maybe i m not that qualified for the position hahaha.. i always blame other ppl for things that do not go well.. haha i need to change my attitude here.

hmm no more bible study tomorrow. i enjoyed attending it eventhough it could last quite late by the time i reached home. i m gg to miss something that i look forward to do every week. but i could just start reading the bible haha. i have to put my study into good use. that's my this year resolution.. but it is almost end of the year, and i havent achieved even half of it.. hahaa.. so stop talking and act now! i always have excuses to postpone reading the bible.. just like now.. hahaa. i would say to myself, since i bought this credit, i might use them to the max hence postponing the bible reading .. if you think about it, which one is more important.. well i guess i already know the answer.. anyway, this will be my last posting .. i mean for this period... until i sign up for online connection again.. as it expires today... okay i better post this blog before it really expires..

ughh.. finally

yeah.. finally i managed to send my job applications to couple job openings... i really feel very draggy when i started to browse the job opening.. really really dragggyy.. like a tonne of stone tying up my feet.. but at least i have done it. i would just wait for the interview.. there is still a looooonng way to go.. i am just taking one step at the time..
honestly, i wasted my time browsing through other sites instead of focusing on job searching hhaaa.. but i found a very good video in utube.. like the funny commercial videos, babies videos..etc. i even purposedly watched the makeup video that i have downloaded. actually it was unnecessary, i could just watch it anytime but i just want to divert myself from my obligation to look for new jobs.. but i forced myself to open up the job boards, and went through couple of job openings. i guess i submitted about 3 jobs?! i dont know.. i dont count.. i just submitted where i think the job is suitable for me..

okay, another draggy feeling as i m approaching monday.. where i have to show up in the hell.. my 5 day 8 hours hellhole.. hahaa.. i should not have this kind of feeling. the more i feel my office like hell, the more it really becomes.. but whom am i fooling? because that's how i feel... i could not help it, only ask God to give me strengths to go through all these. But i was quite surprised, i have survive for months! I did reach a point where i wanted to explode.. !! but everytime i can control myself.. and when the thoughts of hell office coming again, i feel bogged down againn.. sigh.. if only i could just quit my job, and do whatever i want.. but of course, i could not do that.. it is going to be a silly decision if i do.. well at least, at the end of the month, i get my payday. that's the only thing that makes me happy.. coz with money, i could unleash my happiness say.. travelling or shopping... hahaha..

actually i m quite multitasking.. hahaa. i am updating my FB, looking for job, browsing the matchmaking site and writing blogs.. haha no wonder i could not get things focusing in my life... i like to multitask.. i feel like if i dont do this task and that task, i would regret it.. so i might just do a bit here and there.. at least i could say i do all the tasks.. hahaha..

feel pressurized.. grrr..

yes, i always feel like i have heavy burden on my shoulders.. on getting a new job.. yes, i know that i keep complaining about my current job. actually i generally do not dislike my current job. it's just i hate my office environment. basically i have no friend in the office! my office is all crazy. people like to form an exclusive group and basically do not welcome anybody else. Cant you believe that i was being ignored when they all went for the company's function? none of them bothered to ask me to join into their car ride. and do you think i m stupid for not knowing that??? of course, i purposedly said that i would go with my friend from other department. but i did that, just to save my face!!! coz if i said, i wld be gg but they still did not ask me to hitchhike in their car, wouldnt it be like a slap in my face??? so.. i was supposed to take a shuttle bus all by myself???????????? and i had a picture, once i was there, i would be left out as well. so i might as well did not go at all!!!!

i was soo happy when there was practically nobody else in the office. the place was soo quiet and peaceful. I can do whatever i want. i did not need to feel someone watching my back.. i hate them. i tried to be nice.. but well local people are sucks, if they are infamous for their rude behaviour, i agree with that!!!! so what did you do to the rude people??? well at first, i was nice to them, but being a thick-skinned asshole.. it did not reciprocate. so my next move, was rude to them as well!!! go to the hell!! i actually could not believe myself, when i was in the same elevator with them. I knew they were all inside, but i deliberately did not want to bother to look at them and smile, i just stared blankly on the elevator door, and i walked out from the elevator without turning my head. who caresss!!!!!

well if the office is like hell, i should leave the company for good. but the problem is, it is not easy to get a job!!!! i have been jobhunting since beginning of this year.. but where am i now? still couping in the shithole!! i have been through many interviews without any success!! it's like a dilemma. i hate my office, but i feel pressurised to jobhunt. i purposedly go online this weekend, so i could browse some jobs, but what i did, i checked on my facebook, i watched numerous videos from youtube. I did anything to give myself an excuse of not looking for a job. but i know i m being unreasonable here. If i look at my situation, if i want to leave the company, i should be more persistent in searching for a job. i guess i have this kind of mindset that i would not score the interview. it is always about my inability to speak english fluently. but i guess it is not the main issue here, but more on confidence. when you are confident, it will convey through your personality. this is i think i do not have. but i m sure i will get it one day. i m trying hard to improve my EQ. well i start with small steps... as in: taping myself talking about anything under the sun, socializing more by expanding my network (i m still working on it), and pour my thoughts in this blog. i think it is a good start.. i was quite surprised that i can write a very long blog... anyway..

oh i m thinking of getting iphone too.. so i can go online.. and sign up for the network site.. well it's more like looking for life partner cum learning english as well. so i m like hitting 2 birds with one giant stone!! hahahhahaa.. but it is too bad, the phone is out of stock.. again.. it sells like a pancake.. i have to wait for couple more weeks to let the craze dies down. i m pretty sure by then i will get the phone quite easily by just walking-in any store.

good day

Feel happy today.. i think I m always happy on Sunday. I love my choir. I have been joining this choir for more than 2 years. I can not thank God enough for putting me into this choir. It is a God's bless. All things that I wanted to do, I fulfilled it in this choir. Started from becoming a cantor, then lead the singing into the mike. I feel glad and proud when my voice is filling the whole church. I dont know whether I sound like Susan Boyle hahaha but I m confident that I sound good. I can sing well, I have clear voice and I know I can reach the high pitch. I really like that I slowly become shining. I m sick and tired of being the second class. I want to be the center, the spotlight. It is not just the narcissm, I m sure. But it's more for boosting my confident. The other thing that I havent fulfilled, is to lead the choir, to become the conductor. But I m pretty sure that time will come. God really listens to me when I pray to Him about getting this chance in choir. Well i know for some people, choir is "small" thing compared to the corporate world. But I m glad that i can start somewhere. I hope that I can transfer this confidence into corporate world or anything. I m building up my confidence slowy, so that I can socialize with new people, and dont feel so awkward every time I am in the new group.
Well, but the only thing that I notice, I got what i wanted not through my efforts. It's more because of the situation is in favor of you. Just like today, it was supposed to be my other choir member to sing in front of microphone. But since she was absent, I was asked to sing insted.. Well so one thing I need to learn, I need to work hard to get what I want. not just wait for the opportunity to knock my door. But i believe that God involves in this...

I did join the other choir when i first moved in this neighbourhood. But I did not like the choir master. he did not give a chance for me to sing the responsorial psalm. Seems like he wants the spotlight for himself. Well he did give me one chance, that was my first time singing infront of congegration. I thank him for the opportunity. But i still remember the organist was sooo sarcastic and rude when i asked her to adjust the tune for me. She scolded me instead of guiding me. It hurt me so much, especially it was my first time to sing in front at stage. After that, i notice that i was not given a chance to sing at all. So I quit the choir, and subsequently my choir member asked me to join my current choir since it was new choir.. and i have joined them ever since. I feel like home.. when sunday comes, i am so eager to go to the church and sing myself out to the Lord. I never had this kind of feeling before. I used to be slacking, but now i m more confident. I hope that I can continue to serve the Lord through singing. My goal is to play the organ to serve the Lord. Hopefully i can fulfill that. I m sure I can with God's guidance.

here i m again... :)

Okay, now i m drawn to write and write.. hahaa.. i just need to pour out what's in my mind.. rather than letting the conversation swirling inside my head.. hmm i guess i just need to unload my burden.. well.. naturally i m introvert person..hm maybe not to my family, but to other people, coz i tend to stay quite and be a good listener.. i dont know why.. but it just happens. i wish that i were more talkative.. but i guess i m too shy to reveal my thoughts or even my personalities.. so i guess people will percieve me as .. boring... (?) hahah i dont know.. if i could get out of my body and see from the other side of me.. then i would know..

i dont even publish my facebook.. i just accept certain peoples who are really closed to me, and who knows me from years .. i only have less than 10 friends in my list haha. can you believe it??? maybe i would add more people into my list.. but let's see. i guess if i have more friends, i would not as expressive as i m now in my own facebook. it's kinda defeat the purpose of having FB account though, coz you are supposed to network, meaning spread out the net hahah.. well i dont really care..

well i make it as an avenue to write, i guess.. i m being assigned to write stupid manual for work. i m sure my boss knows how lousy i m in writing yet he gives me this kind of assignment. i should look at the bright side, at least i m being "forced" to write.. but on the other hand, the first thing crossing my mind is my boss deliberately wants me to fail in my working performance.. hm i dont know.. i'd like to think of him that way.. coz i think he is not as nice as he portrays to be in the office.. but well whatever that is. at least i learn how to write.. so i guess it is good, eh? hahaha..
well maybe it's just me being mean.. coz i m very disappointed i do not get promoted. i was okay when i knew my colleague get promoted, coz it is expected anyway. but what i did not expect, is my other friends from other department, all got promoted. i feel left out!! i always thought that at least i have friends in the same "boat" (or level).. but when they got promoted, i was devastated! i know their performances.. but i guess it's because i m in the "wrong" department. it is so high profile department, that people are sooo competitive. yeah i must admit i can not compete. it is just not my personality. i dont know how to shine, i dont know how to play office politics.. eventhough i have been years in the workforce. i should know. i couldnt just sit there and watch.. i need to do something. i need to do something to make me shine, to make people realize that i exist!!

now i become aggressive.. !! hahaa.

Not active blogger...

Yeah.. apparently i m not an active blogger.. hehe.. i cant believe that my last post was 5 years ago...!! okay let me write whatever in my head..

Had a medical checkup yesterday. I wouldnt go for one if not for free complimentary from medical insurance. I hate medical checkup, and the results tend to give you more anxiety instead of relieve.. hahaa.. well it did happen to me ... :(

Doctor said i had an irregular heartbeat.. goshh... to hear about something wrong with the heart well.. almost make you faint which worsen the heart problem, right? hahaa. what an irony. Thank God i did not faint in front of the doctor.. hahaa. She asked me to go through the ECG test where the medical assistant placed a bunch of wires on my pulse points. The machine will produce graphic readings. When the doctor saw the reading, she said it was back to normal.. *phew*... how relieved I am! If the doctor keeps giving me the news that makes my heart yoyo. i guess i would get the heart attack eventually.. hahaa. But i m glad that it is normal. She said some people have an on-off irregular heartbeat. She advised me to go for the 24-hour test where the machine is being placed at my body, but I can still go about with my usuals.. Hmm but probably i will do it some other time. The fact that my heartbeat goes back to normal in a short period of time, really makes me relieved. Okay the normal heartbeat will be beating with consistent beat, while irregular beat will be like 2 beats and long pause then start again with 2 beats ..long pause.. and so on.. If the pause goes on too long.. then you know it's a bye-bye world..

hm it makes me thinking.. maybe i should do some preparation in case that thing happens to me... well, i can start by drafting a will.. hmmmm.. i dont have much money but still it is a hard earned money.. and it's even more valuable since I trade my time with my family by leaving my homecountry and work overseas.. .. yeah, regardless, it's better than the money goes to my family rather than government trust fund or something.. i guess..

Chris be our light by Bernadette Farrell

Longing for light, we wait in darkness
Longing for truth, we turn to you
Make us your own, your holy people
Light for the world to see

Refrain:
Chris be our light
Shine in our heart, shine through the darkness
Chris be our light
Shine in your church, gather today

Longing for peace, our world is troubled
Longing for hope, many despair
Your word alone, has pow'r to save us
Make us your living voice

Longing for food, many are hungry
Longing for water, many still thirst
Make us your bread, broken for others
Share until are fed

Longing for shelter, many are homeless
Longing for warmth, many are cold
Make us your building, sheltering others
Walls made of living stone

Many the gifts, many the people
Many the hearts, that yearn to belong
Let us be servants to one another
Making your kingdom come